One Mans Tragedy Is Another Mans Comedy

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Chup! Coca~Cola

Me and 3 other friends were staying together in a condo in Klebang, Malacca while we were studying there. There were no entertainment there and town was 45mins drive away. The only cheap thrill we had was the one computer in our unit and had to be shared between 4 people.

There was this night, I went downstairs to grab myself a can of coke from the vending machine. As I got back up... I saw the computer unoccupied. I quickly jumped on the seat and turned on Winning Eleven while sipping my Coke. Suddenly... bom! bom! bom... fatty Albert rushed out.. "Oi! Juju I wanna playyy" .... "NO!" and I continue playing and sipping my Coke.. sleeeeuupssss... Ahhhhh~~! then later I opened the drawer, wa got famous amos cookie inside which belongs to my other housemate. Tunggu apa lagi... bukak dan makan lar. Only me and fatty in the house that night.

Chomp! Chomp! Damn enjoy... then fei hai Robert rushed out again "Oi! my turn larrr" ... "10 mins only wat, 11 o'clock I give you" ... then Lobert said "Okay, I sit here and see you play" ... fei hai then goes light a ciggie and watch me play. Still happily sipping my coke and munching on the chocolate chip cookies... fatty Robert's phone rang... HAHAHA... singa call redi! then he went off to the balcony.

I realized that my coke was getting warm... so I bottoms up!... still a quarter left... my Coke tasted a bit weird, probably it was the cookie I ate... the Coke so chocolaty. Must be the cookie lar... then I down the whole thing... something was touching my lips... !?!?! got cookie chunk inside wan? fei hai Lobert drink izzit just now!!!!??!... I close one eye and peep into the can...

SON OF A BITCCHHHHH!!!!..... farking puntung rokok inside!... what the farrkkkK!!.... I chung inside the room and shouted to Robert!

Me: Pokkai!! what you put in my drink?!?!?!
Albert: Har!? that one your drink ar? I thought ashtray...
Me: Ma chao hai.... that means the whole stick of ciggie inside lar?!?!?
Robert: Yalar... you drank ar? Oh my godd... you okay or not?!?!

All the cans and boxes that can be found in the house had been converted into ashtrays... and that pokkai mistaken my drink for an ashtray. I rushed into the toilet and vommit everything out... eeeewwwwwwwwww!!!!!

Lobert: Oi! you wanna go hospital ar?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Goodbye And Take Care

I would like to apologize to my sifu, editor and my No. 1 fan for not blogging lately... I have been busy for the past few weeks with nothing.

Last Monday, two of my friends left me... Adrian Tan and Siow E Guy. No, they did not pass away, they just left for UK to study. Adrian has been studying there for almost two years now but E Guy is leaving for UK for the first time... that worries me the most and the rest of the gang.

Well, Adrian was back for three months and all we did was tarkei for the past three months. Occasionally we would go for breakfast in the morning around the college area to cuci mata. Tarkei wasn't all that boring... Someone almost got us into a fight. Thanks tai kor Minty. One afternoon me, Wai Soon and Minty went tarkei in a new area outside home ground. Minty the tai kor fuck kao them... I forgot for what reason... they all just kept quiet and said "chill larr... relax lar"... then after that Minty was saying, "Wah this place damn nice to fuck kao ppl ar... they don't fight back wan".

A few weeks later me, Adrian and Minty went back to the same place. In the middle of the game, Minty agitated me and I accidentally kicked the switch and my pc turned off. The opposing team was complaining that I left the game which was unethical. Then Minty tai kor fuck kao them. Then they fuck kao back. Then Minty Taikor fuck kao them back. Then someone typed LOL!. Minty taikor said, LOL lan ar!!... then they fuck kao Minty. Then Minty fuck kao them back... Then they say bring 100 ppl whack kao Minty. Then Minty tai kor fuck kao them. Then they ask where Minty sit and they came look for Minty. Then we went out.

Topic of discussion.... "Why You Fuck Kao Me?"

They were whining for 15 minutes about how Minty Taikor fuck kao them... and said, I am not happy, I say LOL why you fuck kao me?... they wanted an apology. Of course won't get lar... after 15 minutes and going no where, they left... bai bai ci bai. Waste time only. By the way, Minty tai kor is not hainanese.

But on the afternoon Adrian and E Guy left... Me and Adrian spent some quality time going shopping and makan, at least something. E Guy couldn't join us... he was busy with his stuff. Both Adrian and E Guy were leaving on the same flight. So the gang and I went to send them off at the airport. E Guy was enjoying his last minutes before he left... taking lots of photos. Too bad no photos here, I do not have a camera. Some stranger (E Guy's Uni fren) came up to us and said, "Take care of E Guy ya... I scared he come back with baby"... Har Har okayyyyy.... What im afraid of most is that E Guy comes back with a big boy.

Less than 10mins left before their flight, Adrian was already worried of being late... E Guy was still so happy taking pictures and hugging the guys. Adrian was telling E Guy "We are late already larr... need to take the train to the plane summore"... E guy: "Chill larrr..." while taking photos and hugging (E Guy never hug so many guys before). The scene was so funny... lol.


who was that?!?!... ahh nevermind. I'm gonna miss those 2 guys... kwo kuang was so emo when they left... but im starting to miss them... 2 people less to hang out with. Now only Kwo Kuang and Chun Guan left here. And you 4 fuckers... fong fei kei me. We settle this another time.

P/s: Adrian, if you are reading this... seriously... please take good care of E Guy, don't let him go wild like "that night".

Thursday, August 24, 2006

My Virgin Interview Which I Ended Up Getting Raped

This post was a request from my batchmate from He is currently compiling interview questions to aid people that are interested in flying. His blog discusses topics mainly on aviation theories, phenomenas and experiences. Also do check out his forum for those who are interested.

After completing my psychomotor and psychometric test, I was called up for the interview 2 years ago. It was my first formal interview in my life. I reached he headquarters early in the morning, I was supposed to fill up a form. *pai seh, no pen* The lady teased me "Pen pun takde, macamana nak jadi pilot ni?".... char lan dous. I took a seat while waiting for my turn to be interviewed. I sat next to another guy... he was reading aviation notes he printed himself and then these 2 guys where exchanging their folders showing their certs. Nia seng, degree holders... deng, I hid my folder which consists of SPM and piano certs. Cibai... shy like cock liddat.

One by one they went in, I heard laughing sounds in the interview room one minute and another minute voices were raised... so chuk kik meh?!?... every candidate went in for an hour. This guy he went in for only 15 mins, when he came out he was like "YES! I got it!!"... I have not seen him since then. "Smuggy, you can come in now." It was my turn.

I went in greeted them and tried remembering their names as hard as I could. There were four interviewers... one observer, two senior captains and an interviewer from the headquarters side. They told me to have a seat. So the interview started...
Q: Smuggy can you tell us about yourself...
A: I told them where I'm from and the background of my family.
Q: Did you know your father's company used to supply medicine to our medical centre? Why suddenly they don't want to supply anymore?
A: I'm not so sure about this, its the company's decision and my dad has already retired.
Q: When did you realized that you wanted to be a pilot?
A: At the age of 15 I decided to be a pilot, my sister is a stewardess in Singapore and she used to tell me stories about pilots.
"WAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed.
"ehehehe"... pan cute a bit.
Q: Why didn't your sister join us?
A: She wanted to but she did not because there was no opening at that time, so she opted for Singapore.
Q: So did you try the interview from the other airlines?
A: No, I didn't because this airline is my choice.
Q: If you were to fail this interview, will you try the other airlines?
A: Definitely, I would continue to pursue my dream.
Q: Why did you choose us as your first choice?
A: This airline is internationally regconized and I believe my future would be more secure here.
Q: What have you done since SPM? sit at home?
A: I went for National Service and then I started an engineering course in UNITEN.
Q: Lets say you are in you final year in UNITEN, then we call you up and tell you that you are accepted... what would you do? kbkk
A: I will have to reject the offer.
Q: Why is that?
A: Because there would be a lot of time, money and effort wasted.
Q: Have you been on an aircraft?
A: Yes, to China and Hong Kong.
Q: With which airline and what model was the aircraft?
A: I was very young at that time... I can't remember. (avoid question)
Q: Do you know how heavy a Boeing 747 weighs?
A: xxx,xxx lbs. (forgot the figures de, but lucky got read)
Q: Why in pounds?!?!? I'm sure you got that from some website! Tell me how you researched for this interview besides buying that new shirt?
A: I visited x, y, z websites and keep track of the company through newspapers.
Q: You visited the company's website also I see... Who is the chairman?
A: The chairman used to be the late Dato' A.
Q: Why late?
A: I read that he recently passed away in the newspapers.
Q: Who is are the rest of the BoD's?
A: Dato' B, Mr. C, Mr. D and Mr. E.
Q: Okay... I'm sure this one you won't know, who is in charge of all the Boeing 737 fleet? If you can answer this one, I take you in straight.
I was tempted to say "you!" but after some rational thinking I said I'm not sure.
Q: You play football right? What team do you support?
A: Liverpool!
WAHAHAHA!! they laughed again.. "we all support man utd.. and one arsenal fan here... WAHAHAHAHA!!
Q: Now you the striker have the ball in a tight angle, a teammate which is a defender is in the middle, will you shoot or pass? kbkk
A: I would shoot.
suddenly he raised his voice... (kbkk lar... where got wrong answer wan!)
Q: Why you shoot?!! you want to get all the glory is it?
A: I was just trying to fulfil my duty and if I have the confidence then I take will take it on.
"BUT THERE WAS SOMEONE OPEN IN THE MIDDLE!!".... the debate lasted for 5 minutes.
Q: So do you know how many flights we have?
A: Yes 100.
Q: Where do we fly to?
A: bla bla bla bla...
bla bla bla bla
bla bla bla bla
bla bla bla bla
thats all? you said 100 just now?
......... kena char until no more juice left inside.
Q: Name me a city that we fly to in South America?
A: Buenos Aires (smuggy bijak)
Q: What fleets do we have in the airlines?
A: twin otter, f50, b737, b777, b 747, A320.
"you will be going into the twin otter"... I found out that the twin otter operates in Miri and even chickens can enter the plane.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A: Captain of the b737.
Q: Are you sure? Not the b747? or b777?
A: Yes sir, sure... B737.
"Thank You."
So I stood up and thanked them as well...
"What are you doing? Why you stand up?! We havent finish yet!!... I only thanked you for the answer..... WAHAHAHAHA!! So fast want to go home?"
Fuck!... malu like shit... go sit down again...
After that kena question on capital cities and have to name countries on the map...
"So how did you come here this morning?"
-My dad dropped me here.
"He is waiting outside now?"
-No... he dropped me off and went to play golf.
"WAHAHAHAHA!!... Ayah pergi main golf!"
My one hour was up...
"So you have any questions?"... of course pura-pura got question ler... show some 'interest'... ngek ngek... then it was all over finally.. can go for medical checkup to fix my O

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Man's Best Friend

There is a new doggie in my house... His name, Tiger! My sister brought him back from Singapore because her new house does not allow pets. Tiger is a stuck up Singaporean yorkshire terrier and loves to eat bacon strips.

barbie dog 'tiger'

I have met Tiger before a few times when I visited my sister in Singapore, he hated me... He bit my jeans and wouldn't let go. When I called his name, he would distant himself from me, damn jual mahal. Then took the bacon strip out from the packet... Tiger rushed towards me immediately sat down and reached out its paw to shake hands with me (slut). I then fed him... and tried to pat him... he ran away.

He has been here for two weeks now... starting to settle down, marking his territory every where in the house. Because he is so small in size... he is allowed to stay inside the house. One morning, my mom tied him outside the garden so that she could clean the house. I was still sleeping... suddenly my mom woke me up and told me that Tiger's jaw was dripping with blood. There was blood outside the house everywhere... I had to flush it, Bad dog!

The next day I saw him trying to pounce on a squirrel in the garden. What a cool dog... probably yesterday morning he ripped off the head of the squirrel and gobbled it down. I am so proud of him. We are starting to get along now... last night I came home late... Tiger came to me and poke me with his nose, I couldn't just go to bed and leave him alone. I took him upstairs to my room to sleep. After playing with him for sometime I felt tired and went to bed.

I opened my eyes just to see how he is doing, Tiger was sitting down... Then he started growling. It reminded me of the movie 06.06.06. I turned on the lights, he wasn't growling at me... Shit! You know they say dogs can see those type of things. I was freaked out... So I kicked Tiger out of the room and went to bed. Goodnight!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Rock Fest 2006

It's a bit late for this post... Last week, Adrian the shisha king was bugging me to go to Jazz Fest. The next evening I met up with Minty and he was all worked up to go for the Jazz thingy. He was smartly dressed for the occassion.... wahhahaha! Well, he went for a wedding ceremony before that. There was a hype going on about the Jazz Fest and we thought it was some high class event held in some auditorium with many Datins and their daughters. Minty and I decided to check it out since Adrian ajaked me the night before.

We headed off to Mont Kiara where the event was held. Adrian was to meet us there, he had to attend his family dinner before that... excuses. As soon as we arrived, omg... this is Jazz Fest? It looked like a giant mamak with live jazz band... it also felt like one, hot like shit. We had dinner there and then met up with some friends. We sat there for about 5 minutes and my eyes were drying up.... looks like Jazz is not my cup of tea, Minty was getting bored too.

We decided to rush Adrian over... the bitch said he would be there as soon as he gets home. We waited and waited.... my neck was getting longer, so I called him again.... The fucker said no car. Mahai call lar if no car!! So we left Mont Kiara after that. Turned the aircond to full blast in the car... ahhh! so lega. We went to The Joint after that and before that we picked Adrian up, its our new hang out spot... Adrian loves it because he was hooked on shisha... bei hai... you should see his high face while shishaing, damn gay. When he see the water vapour coming out from his mouth damn happy.

We arrived and it was quite packed... we found a table at the front just in front of the screen playing the sports channel which was next to the live band, there was also a small podium between our table and the screen. Hell no, I will never sit there ever again. We had some drinks and snacks... Adrian had shisha all to himself. The band started performing... our eyes were constantly fixed on the screen watching sports... I guess everyone there was watching too. The band was playing rock music!... the lead vocalist, a lady in her mid thirties... was head banging.

Then after a few songs, she dedicated one song to Adrian... she realized that people were paying more attention to the screen. Oh shit... she stepped up on the podium in front of us blocking our view. She was wearing a very short skirt. If we looked up on the screen she confirm chao kwong already. Want meh aunty... so we started drinking and chatting because aunty don't let us watch tv. After that aunty wanted our attention, she put her leg on our table and pulled up her skirt to reveal her thigh to seduce Minty.... Minty tengah syok, sleups.

Aunty was on fire!... MeOooWWw... She was singing 'Sweet Child Of Mine'. Still standing on the podium, everytime during the chorus she would do the 'Can Can', kicks into the air. "Wohh Oh Ohh Ohh... sweet child of mine! ~~" *flash* "Wohh Ohh ohh Oh.... sweet child of mine! ~~" *flash*. The night is still young.... she came down from the stage and make me sing along... After that cannot tahan de.... finished up our drinks call for the bill and bail!!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Teleport No Jutsu!

Hello! there are a few videos here I would like to share with you guys. They are pretty short but I find it really funny. These are ninja videos of me taken by my friend Ade while we were having our break... Enjoy!

Video One: Smuggy teleports behind enemy and knocks him out with a deadly karate chop!

Smuggy is kung fu fighting! hiak! He was as fast as lightning! hiak!

Video Two: Smuggy teleports behind enemy and delivers a low blow!

Video Three: Smuggy morphs into his enemy

These are the few videos I got from my friend. Thanks Ade jambu! hope you guys enjoyed it :P tata!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The Hainanese Warrior Unleashed Within Me

Yes, I am a Hainanese Boy... I love eating Hainanese chicken rice but I cannot speak Hainanese except for "du mi nang?" and "Hainam nang" or "nang nang"... embarassing. Hainanese people are famous for being good looking, yes yes I know, settle down girls but it comes with a price... We have a weird temper. Half of the Hainanese male population are pure hot tempered and the other half are really patient people but don't test their patience... once they get mad, they'll go "MACHAHAIAH!!... I'll kill you and your next 18 generations of cucu cicit!!" I think I am type number 2.

Every Tuesday I will go down to play futsal with my friend and his brother. We play futsal around Subang and PJ... mostly in Subang. His brother set up a match against his friend's team in PJ. I was just playing my normal game... there was this guy playing very rough, everytime I get the ball he will try to break my leg. I didn't bother much... it happens in football. Probably he was just an aggressive player and I was so skillful that he always miskicks my leg for the ball. For 2 hours I was harassed by him.

After a few weeks, they came to Subang to play a game with us.... Mahai he continued the same way. He was tapping my ankles and shoving me off the ball. I know la I geng and small sized... but don't play like that la. If he kicks another 3 times... my leg confirm break already. Smuggy then got the ball on the right hand side, Bulldozer comes and tries to steals the ball. Smuggy pretended to dribble left but he goes right, Bulldozer was confused and Smuggy was off in full speed!! ariba ariba andale andale!.... Bulldozer realized that he couldn't keep up with Smuggy's pace and he sandwiches Smuggy on to the netting.

"MACHAHAIAH! I'll kill you and your 18 generations of cucu cicit!!" ... Bulldozer had just awaken the warrior inside of Smuggy disturbing his sleep. Smuggy was so pissed off he gave a full right swing on to Bulldozers back... POW! Bulldozer was almost a head taller than Smuggy and playing shirtless... he had a black dragon white tiger tattoo. He turned back to look at Smuggy.... at the same time, The stupid Hainanese warrior went back to sleep and left Smuggy alone. Uh oh... hai lat de... what do i do now? Maintain cool la whatelse.

Bulldozers friends all came rushing in... 'poh pek poh pek poh pek' the argument ended... then my friend's bro called me out to be replaced by another guy to avoid anymore problems. After the match I decided to apologized to him since he was a friend of my friends bro. (suk chun say suk chun la) the last time I hit someone was in kindergarten. I was arranging blocks to stack up a castle, this bitch(guy) messed it up. I punched him... he cried, I also cried. WAHAHAHA.. and he kena denda.. tai sei!